Grocery stores are not a place I go with the intent of contemplating infinity. I go for two purposes:
- Obtaining necessary food stuffs to stave off my demise.
- Checking off something, ANYTHING, from my “to do” list.
You might note the clear absence of:
3. Pondering the micro and macro infinities of the universe.
So why am I standing in the “make your own pizza” section of Ralph’s grocery lost in a K-hole?
It’s Don Pepino’s fault.
Sure, Mr. Pepino seems like an unassuming little fellow. He has a pudgy charm and a real honest to god gift for wearing a toque blanche, but he also has a can of Don Pepino Pizza Sauce in his hand that features a picture of him with a can of Don Pepino Pizza Sauce in his hand that I can only assume features a picture of him with a can of Don Pepino Pizza Sauce in his hand … and so on and so on until I come face to face with issues that only god should ponder.
Not cool, Mr. Pepino. Very not cool.
If I’m buying pizza sauce, or putting away pizza sauce, or using pizza sauce, I’m busy. And in my busy-ness, I have a simple purpose that allows me to enjoy a brief respite from the constant and uncontrollable contemplation that comprises most of my day. Those moments of solace from myself are not the times I like to get caught up wondering about things like: “If the Don Pepino on my can moves does the Don Pepino on his can move?” or “What happens to all the subsequent if the Don Pepino on my can dies? Does it create a pizza sauce paradox?”
And then there’s the issue of Don Pepino’s laugh.
Why is the Don Pepino on my can laughing at the Don Pepino on his can?
- Is my Don Pepino perpetually unaware that he’s doomed to the same fate as his Don Pepino and laughing at the “coincidental” similarity in their positions?
- Is my Don Pepino fully aware that he’s in the same situation and getting some sadistic enjoyment from seeing a Don Pepino who shares his eternal damnation?
- Is my Don Pepino currently unaware of his hopeless disposition but on the verge of realizing his ego-shattering place in infinity with this laugh standing as the final moment of happiness he’ll ever have?
- AM I THE DON PEPINO OF MY WORLD!?!?
This is not why I came to the grocery store.
